This room was completely ready for baby Anderson. We painted the walls, assembled the furniture, and decorated the shelves. And I had planned to share this room with you all before his due date, but in the later months of pregnancy, I couldn’t deny how much the fatigue affected me. It took the remainder of my energy to get the hospital bags packed and his closet organized.
Then our world turned upside down. Exactly one weekend before Anderson’s due date, I felt a lack of movement and decided to go into the hospital just for a check. Honestly, I wasn’t worried at all. The same thing had happened the weekend before, but, in time, I was relieved to feel his kicking return. That didn’t happen the second time. Instead, we were faced with horrible news that no parent ever wants to hear. He no longer had a heartbeat. We were in shock. Just days before, we had a baby kicking with a healthy beating heart. What could have happened?! We wouldn’t know until I was induced for delivery next day and discovered that the very cord that had once sustained his life was wrapped around his neck five times.
Even though our child didn’t get to come home with us, I had a normal delivery and had to face the physical pains of normal postpartum recovery. Next, I had to face the intense pain associated with emotional healing. One area I felt committed to address head on was thinking through how to cope with Anderson’s nursery–the beautiful room that his dad and I lovingly planned for many months. Many nights we would just sit in there and think about our little guy’s future–from what sports he might like to play to how we would eventually convert this room into a ‘big boy’ room. I anticipated that visiting his empty nursery would hurt my aching heart.
But I didn’t want that hurt to last forever. Instead, I decided that I wanted this room to be a place that serves as a kind of sanctuary, a place that comforts me, where I can sit and reflect on the nine months he was here with us. One day, I hope this room becomes my foxhole of faith, or my physical place where I go to be still with God. I want to enter it and feel at peace while I reflect on the things that make me feel closer to Anderson, like looking at his scrapbook while sitting in the rocking chair. But I also want to have this room to do things I enjoy for myself like reading or blogging.
I originally wasn’t sure if I still wanted to share this room on my blog after Anderson’s passing. However, there is so much love that went into making this room special, including products from people who shared their talents and ideas to help us create the kind of nursery we had always wanted.
This room will one day belong to Anderson’s siblings and I hope the love that went into making this space a sanctuary might bring some inspiration to others.
felt deer mobile | crib | dog doll | gray floral planters | accordion rack | crib skirt | Love You More decor | wood slice shelves | changing basket | gray pom pom pillow | ceramic lamb | rocking chair | leather pillow
Tracy Graham says
It is pure perfection my friend. And one day it will hold so much love and laughter from a sibling. Memories will be made. Love you sweetie.
Shawna Novak says
Lauren, this is so beautiful. I’m so thankful the room you poured so much love in to is helping you to heal and find peace. I continue to pray for you darling girl. Love, Shawna